choosing my choices

Sometimes I live as if I don't have the power to choose, like I must blindly accept everything and anything that comes to me (because, faith).

That's not true.

So, this summer, I am choosing to make choices--some of them are hard, some of them are easier, none of them are comfortable. I mean, what's a summer without all of the ice cream in the world and spending hours sitting in the air conditioning scrolling through online dating profiles? That is not the summer that I want--not again.

So, this summer I am making choices. Here are the five that I'm focusing on:

I am choosing to choose health—physical, emotional, & spiritual—over comfort & convenience this summer. Our lives and emotions and hearts are silly, slippery things. We can’t always tame them, appease them, or change them, but we can take time to hear them, hold them, & care for them. Living your life well is hard but a well-invested life is precious, friends. 

1.) I'm Whole30-ing.

Whole30 has been my go-to food reset for the last four years. It's taught me to listen to my body and has helped me as I struggle through my self-medicating, self-rewarding, self-destructive relationship with food. Since the New Year, I've tried to choose plant-based meals and proteins whenever possible and yet I hadn't really felt like I was properly fueling my very-sensitive-to-grains-and-legumes body. So, here I am: Whole30-ing again. I'm 14 days in and feeling good.

2.) I'm running again.

I've been Couch-2-5King for the last six weeks. It's giving me a reason to move my body and push my body. I've never been one with athletic ability or physical strength so I usually just choose to avoid these things because I don't want to embarrass myself or increase my desire for self-loathing. I'm finding, however, that I can usually do more, go further than I often give myself credit for. I ran for 22 consecutive minutes the other day. Big deal.

Also: Doodle's winter belly is gone, so that's a bonus. (Still workin' on my winter/always belly.)

3.) I'm not dating.

This is one of those things that has always just happened. I've never chosen to not date, it just literally never happens. It seems dumb to say that I'm not dating, especially when there are no prospects, but I felt like I needed to make this conscious decision and effort. This summer, I am choosing not to date and (attempting to) not think about relationships. I'm off online dating apps and trying to focus on cultivating health relationships with myself, my friends, and Jesus.

4.) I'm using "What If..." language

I'm a pretty big fan of certainty and playing by the rules so facing (or fantasizing about) change is always pretty scary for me. This choice is in its infancy but I'm learning to use What If language and not be afraid of what that might mean.

It's okay to have dreams. It's okay to have longings. It's okay to not be sure all of the time.

5.) I'm seeing a counselor.

Do you know that feeling of like, "Is this normal or is this just normal for me?" I feel that way a lot. I wonder if everyone feels and experiences and processes life like me. Seeing a counselor has been something that I've wanted to do for a while and have just never made happen. The pressing desire always comes in the darkest moments, when motivation is low and fear is high. By the time I feel like I'm bouncing back, the idea fades into the distance for another dark day. So I'm finally doing it and I'm already super grateful to be talking through and crying through and thinking through so much.

So, here's to health! Here's to growth! Here's to dreaming dreams!