the darkness coming for me

Two years ago today I had an anxiety attack while shopping at Walmart.

I stood there with my hands clutched around my shopping list and shopping cart but I felt paralyzed. My body still holds the memory: the pounding heart, the fear, the shortness of breath, the oppressive fog that caught me as I meandered down aisles, unsure of where I was or where I was going.

When I finally got home, I laid on my bed in a daze. I closed the blinds to close off the world and snuggled my dog and dreaded having to leave my room, having to live my life.

It was a tipping point, a place that I couldn’t come back from. Nothing was going to be the same.

I talked with someone. I asked for help. I started listening to my body and my heart and that still, small voice.

Slowly but surely, with proactivity and Zoloft and counseling and honesty, the darkness began to dissipate.

It’s been two years. 

Yesterday I sat on the couch in my fourth home in those two years, the one that I now share with my dear husband, and I felt it: the darkness coming for me. It started with the pacing, my feet shuffling and unable to stay still, and graduated to a crushing heaviness, a breath-sucking doom. I stayed as still as I could, hoping it would pass. It wouldn’t leave. Was I shaking?

When Zachary finally got off work, later than anticipated, and came into the room he knew that I was not well. Truthfully, I haven’t been well. I have been up and down and sleepless and exhausted. He knew and he knows. Because he held me as I cried earlier that day and as I wept the night before.

This is why I married this man.

The truth is that I wish that the Alyssa who was in that Walmart two years ago would vanish forever. I wouldn’t mind not seeing or hearing from her again. But I am who she was, just a bit more aware. Now I can say, “I am not managing my anxiety well,” or, “I am afraid,” or, “I need help.” Now I can recognize that there are patterns and feelings and excuses that are not healthy, although they are normal for me.

I’m feeling a bit better today...but it’s only 2 o’clock. Healing and health isn’t something that you can rush.